@mikeleffingwell: STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
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@atanenhaus: Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
@LizHackett: "Dammit. I had shit planned today." -- a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
@dumbbeezie: Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
@Sean_Burgundy_: I'd probably have more friends if I didn't answer every call with "Why did you save my number?"