Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
This was my dad’s browser history.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please