Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
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