Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
You Might Also Like
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?