Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no