STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.