“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
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[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.