Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
There’s only one good girl here!
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
This cat wants you to take your pills
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”