@POTerritory: "Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization." - ancient Chinese proverb
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@nbadag: [the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent] ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
@Mostly_Cheese: [diner] Waitress: What’ll it be? Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
@realHamOnWry: If you're lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.
@YoungNobler: Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.