“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
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“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough