@j88ess: Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person
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@dlsims01: Invitations: $10 Cupcakes: $15 Facility rental: $100 Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless Math of a mother
@TheDairylandDon: A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.
@RelatabIe: whenever my mom criticizes me i yell “it’s probably genetic” and run out of the room as fast as i can
@PhilJamesson: "My computer just crashed" is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm