@j88ess: Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person
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@caribbeanaj: I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
@TheRealRHB: Parenting Tip: Place fake present under tree with unruly child's name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
@iSmashFizzle: Me: It's not illegal to be rude to cops. Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect? Me: That's why we don't make bears cops.