@j88ess: Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person
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@jctwritesstuff: The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor's eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
@Reverend_Scott: girlfriend: we need to talk me: ok what's up girlfriend: I'm pregnant me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT'S MY FAULT TOO
@dyldonot: Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
@krisv_723: *At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom* Nurse: What's the emergency ma'am? Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.