@j88ess: Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person
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@GrumpyBahr: People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there's faster ways to commit suicide?
@KeetPotato: [if trump wins somehow] alien: "i said take me to your leader" me: "dude i swear this is him"
@KentWGraham: Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?