Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
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date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
i hate you platonically
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.