Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are