Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
You can’t rush stupid.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.