So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
You Might Also Like
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜