Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.