Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.