@LoveNLunchmeat: STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she'll log into twitter.
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@omgthatspunny: It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it
@dril: glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
@markleggett: Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say "You can only pick one."
@ericsshadow: "dad, what does extravagant mean?" idk son. why don't you ... [i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace] ask your mother