STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration