[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
You Might Also Like
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.