[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
If only.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!