@daemonic3: Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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@ericsshadow: [eulogy] "Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"
@AmberTozer: If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what's best for me
@Tw1tter_K1tten: The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
@brennadine: It's my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.