Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Why am I like this?
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Fluff me with a fork baby
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.