Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
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Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
looks legit
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”