Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
You Might Also Like
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.