*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!