*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I found your tweet-up…
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
#SaturdayBears
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
the greatest twitter interaction
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.