Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
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Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
President The Rock Obama
I’d rather go liquor treating.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft