Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
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The “baby” on the left….
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Squirrels before girls.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.