[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.