*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.