*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
At least he brought enough for everyone
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either