After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
You Might Also Like
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Best spoiler warning ever
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’