Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”