GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
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me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
🍛
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes