[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
You Might Also Like
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I don鈥檛 mean to brag but I鈥檓 a lot more trouble than I鈥檓 worth.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Editor: What鈥檚 the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It鈥檚 like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
馃ぃ
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What鈥檚 that like?
M: It鈥檚 a gas
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes