[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
79.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year