[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.