[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
This meal prepping shit is easy
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.