*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
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Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Think I pulled my liver
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”