Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
My new favorite headline
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
In space, no one can hear…
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase