Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Hot hot hot 🥵
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.