These are too funny not to post 😂
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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Don’t tell me what to do
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*