Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Me buying fruit and veg
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Not all heroes wear capes….
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
You can’t rush stupid.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him