I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
You Might Also Like
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
wtf management?!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.