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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars