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@Roxtalled: Stovetop Directions:
1.) Use microwave.
@ValeeGrrl: Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
@RealDMK: I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your stuff! No funny business!"
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
@Chumpstring: COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor's house
ME: that's awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that's even worse isn't it
@gruffybeard: Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.
Dad: So you're saying they almost...
Mom: Don't do it!
Dad: ...mowed you down.