Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I am never leaving this website
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.