I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
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anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Mornin
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW