Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
You Might Also Like
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
set yourself free xox
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like