[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
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If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana