*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
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And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
bias laundering edition
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.