[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.