[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*