@POTerritory: Strange how FB doesn't automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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@Quartzjixler: My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN'T automatic. The human race is doomed.
@ComedicBust: I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today.