Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.